


Realizations

by Anonymous



Series: The Dream Team DID System [11]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alters, Clay | Dream Has ADHD (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream has DID- Dissociative Identity Disorder, Clay | Dream has PTSD, Clay | Dream is Nonbinary, Coming Out, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Nonbinary Character, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Assault, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Switching, System Dynamics, System Relationships, Transgender, Trauma Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:54:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29346189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Forrest is a guy. He has to be. Everyone around him isn't so sure.-Or: The Dream Team is a DID System. Forrest is an alter questing his gender identity.
Relationships: Clay | Dream & Eret, Clay | Dream & Forrest
Series: The Dream Team DID System [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2078016
Comments: 16
Kudos: 287
Collections: Anonymous





	Realizations

**Author's Note:**

> Content Warnings: Non-Graphic Discussion of Sexual Assault, Perceived Invalidation of Gender Identity, Discussion of Trauma and PTSD, Loss of Time, Dissociation, Self-Invalidation, Panic Attacks
> 
> I promise this has a happy ending.

Forrest hadn't actually meant to send the message. It had been an accident, really! He had typed it out sure, but he had planned to delete it.

But now the words, 'hey can i ask u a personal question' were scrawled out in a dm to Eret.

Eret! Eret of all people! Sure the system knew them but no one had interacted with him individually a ton. They liked him, but the dms they had before this barely filled a page. No one in the system really knew Eret all the well, and Forrest himself had spoken to her for all of two minutes. That he remembers at least.

Forrest winces at the message and goes to delete it.

It’s easy to delete a couple clicks and it would be gone. His finger hovers over the button.

He doesn’t delete it.

Instead he sits, staring at his phone and willing for a response.

_**Eret:** sure what's up?_

Forrest jumps on the response, typing his questions as quickly as possible and sending them impulsively.

_**Dream:** how'd u know u weren't a guy?_   
_**Dream:** cause ur not a guy I think? right?_

_**Eret:** ye that's right_   
_**Eret:** tbh idk what i am_   
_**Eret:** a lot of people like me use the word nonbinary_   
_**Eret:** which is not solely a guy or a girl_   
_**Eret:** does that make sense?_

_**Dream:** i think so_

_**Eret:** right yeah. then ig from there I realized being a guy sounded too strict? guys had to do certain things and i liked a lot of them but i also wanted to do girl stuff and_   
_**Eret:** i don't think I wanted to be a girl necessarily? just sometimes as a kid I found myself not wanting to be a guy_

_**Dream:** oh okay_

_**Eret:** y?_

Forrest panics, freezing up and wondering if he's been caught.

_**Dream:** an irl friend of mine thinks they might not be a guy_   
_**Dream:** doing my best to not be a dick abt it_   
_**Dream:** and tbh ur the only person I know who knows stuff abt this_

_**Eret:** fair enough_   
_**Eret:** good luck_

_**Dream:** ?_

_**Eret:** for ur friend_   
_**Eret:** and maybe start by looking at what nonbinary means and pronouns? especially singular they/them_

_**Dream:** okay will do. thx eret_

_**Eret:** np_

Forrest heads pounds as he considers Eret’s words, the idea of not fully feeling like a guy. Something about it… something about… there’s something about it. He can faintly feel his entire body shaking and he stares blankly into space, not even able to begin to comprehend what any of this means.

A minute later and he loses the front.

He muddles through his day after that, grateful that he’s not fronting anymore when he’s this hazy. He mostly sticks to his cave, leaning against the smooth cool walls and trying to come back to himself.

He’s not very successful. The inner world has always been hazy for him, a weird middle ground that he only partly remembers

It's a few days later, when he’s a bit more solid, a bit more settled that he starts his research, slowly diving into what Eret had recommended. There’s a lot of good things from living in a cave in a forest, but Forrest supposes one of the top things has to be privacy. He’s able to do his research in peace.

And because his home, this land, the inner world, isn’t actually physically tangible, it also means his cave has great wifi. Or rather- it doesn’t even need wifi- or rather Forrest isn’t exactly sure how the whole setup works and the details to it, all he knows is that his electronics say they have a wifi connection, and it means they work, even though Forrest is certain there is absolutely not a wifi router anywhere near.

He’s not actually sure if there’s a wifi router anywhere in the innerworld.

But that’s not the important part, his research is.

As he floats in and out of being aware of his surroundings, he reads about being nonbinary and becomes terrified when he feels something inside of him click.

He feels even worse when he reads about pronouns, and he/him don’t seem to fit. Neither do she/her. And Forrest likes how they/them sounds in his head.

From there things get more and more complex. There seems to be another thing called neopronouns but that looks even more complicated and Forrest’s head is already hurting. There’s more identities and description and Forrest wants to learn but it's so much and he's only really half here most of the time, not fully tied down.

He goes to bed that night, head filled with new information and certain that while all of it is valid, he is not nonbinary.

Boys aren’t nonbinary. Boys can’t be nonbinary. And however Forrest wishes he wasn’t a boy, he is.

He knows his trauma- he knows what he went through. He went through the trauma he did because he was a guy. He was picked, selected, because he was a guy. And if he’s a guy, he can’t be non-binary.

He wishes though, god does he wish.

It all goes to shit when Dream’s fronting.

Forrest had made sure to delete all the dms between Eret and him, not wanting the system to know about his stupid desires. And really, Forrest doesn’t know exactly how it goes down.

All he knows is that he’s suddenly cocon (and he’s never been cocon) with Dream and they’re talking and there’s a spike of panic coming from him and going straight into Dream.

Forrest doesn’t even know what’s going on.

All he hears is Dream say the words, “What friend?”

“The one,” and oh shit, that’s Eret Dream’s talking to, “who was questioning their gender identity.”

“Wh-” Dream starts to say and Forrest rips the voice from him as ferociously and quickly as possible. He’s not exactly sure how do this cocon thing, but he does his best to imagine the voice as a tangible object Dream holds and fucking grabs the thing.

“Oh yeah!” he remarks, wincing at how remarkably himself he sounds. He clears his throat, and drops it bit, fine tuning to sound much more like a convincing Dream, “He uh, he’s not nonbinary. Thanks for the help though.”

“Of course,” Eret says, and Forrest’s neck hairs raise. There’s something deeper in Eret’s words and Forrest isn’t sure what. He has no idea what’s going on, “Anytime. You can always- you can always ask,” Eret insists, “y’know about anything.”

“‘Mhmm,” Forrest agrees, “Thanks Eret. And actually I have to go now but-”

“I thought you said you were free?”

Fuck. Shit. Why is this happening?

It’s a good thing Forrest has years of convenient excuses as to why their choices seem to change suddenly.

“Uh yeah, my mom just texted. She needs some help, I really got to go, sorry. Bye Eret, thanks.”

Forrest hangs up with a click.

Dream and him sit there together, cocon as the body doesn’t do anything, just a limp sack of flesh.

‘Uh…’ Dream says, ‘So… care to explain?’

“I don’t know what you're talking about,” Forret bluffs.

‘Oh I don’t know, the incredible panic you got from Eret asking about a friend that I’m 90% doesn’t exist.’

Forrest freezes, heart pounding and knowing he’s been caught. Dream’s going to figure it out and he’s going to realize that Forrest wishes he weren’t a guy and he’s going to laugh at him because Forrest, Forrest is a guy. Dream may not remember the trauma the body went through, but he knows about it and Forrest knows he’s not going to be okay with this.

Chances are, he’ll be mad. Dream has queer friends, they share queer systemmates and he’ll be disappointed in Forrest because he’s faking all this and it’s bringing gay people a bad rap and stuff and god he hates this why did he even say anything to Eret in the first place.

‘Forrest,’ Dream says, ‘Forrest, hey Forrest breathe. Forrest you’re uh- you’re having a panic attack. And dude, you know I love you but your pushing your emotions at me hard and now I’m panicking and fuck you really haven done this cocon thing before have you?’

Great, another thing Forrest is fucking up.

‘Okay, okay, hey we’re going to be okay, fucking shit okay okay. Uh, let’s do, let’s do five things, right? Come on? Five things you see. Forrest you got this. I can… I can start.’

Forrest just gasps around the pounding in his head, the weight on his shoulders.

‘Like, like our phone,’ Dream offers, ‘It’s right here, we’re holding it. Can you see that Forrest?’

Forrest looks and yeah, yeah he does see that. He sees their phone.

“Yeah,” he croaks.

“Okay, awesome,” Dream agrees, and Forrest realizes that Dream is also short of breath. Which means if they’re sharing a body... Oh. Forrest isn’t really breathing that good. “Let’s just... here, another thing.”

Dream directs Forrest through the exercise, taking control of the body as Forrest hangs in the back, a spectator. Dream points out different things, has the body hold different objects, and makes Forrest share his own thoughts as he does so.

Eventually, the body stops shaking and they’re breathing evenly. Forrest can feel his hold on the front slipping, and he lets go.

His plan is to go straight to his cave, to ignore Dream and hope this blows over. It's not exactly a great plan considering Dream can come and find him but who knows? Forrest might get lucky.

He hides for a while, letting time pass him by, drifting in a cloud of haze and not-quite-there-ness until he hears the crunching of dry leaves in the distance.

He's caught.

"Hey," Bad calls, and great if Bad's here that means the whole system probably knows at this point. "Forrest, you doing alright? Haven't seen you for a few days."

A few days? Forrest could've sworn it has just been a short bit. There's no way…

"How many days?" Forrest asks, voice quiet as he becomes more present and solid in the moment.

"What?" Bad calls back, and then, "Can I come in?"

"Okay," Forrest allows.

The crunching of leaves shifts to the sound of shoes echoing against stone. Bad appears at the entrance of his cave, walking in, and settling not far from Forrest.

"I, uh- how many days has it been?" Forrest asks.

"Four," Bad replies.

"Oh."

It’s not exactly unusual for Forrest to lose time like that, but it is jarring.

"Dream said-"

"Bad I really don't want a lecture," Forrest says with a hiss. The hairs on the back of his neck stand up and he clenches all the muscles in his body tightly. He's ready to spring into action, to fight his way out, with his words and his fists.

Bad frowns.

"I wasn't- why would I lecture you?"

Forrest blinks. What? The words have him thrown off just enough that his muscles slowly relax.

"Dream said you seemed a little shaken the other day," Bad says, "and since we haven't seen you in awhile, I thought I'd check on you. I tried the other day, but the path wouldn't lead to your cave."

Did Dream not tell Bad? What was he playing at?

"Okay," Forrest says, "Well I'm fine. So you can go now."

Bad hesitates for a second, then nods.

"Okay," he accepts, "Love you Forrest. We're here for you if you need us."

Bad turns to leave, sharp teeth glinting as he stands and before he can even take a step Forrest blurts out, "Wait."

"Hmm?" Bad says, turning back to him.

"How- what's- is it weird fronting and being human?" Forrest asks, "Cause you're like a demon and stuff."

"What do you mean?"

"Like… does the body ever feel wrong?"

"I mean, yeah, of course. It’s not my body."

"No," Forrest says, "no I get that, I mean… but the way it looks, the way it feels. Does it ever feel… not right?"

Bad's face softens.

"Yeah, somewhat, but I don’t think it’s in the same way," Bad admits, "It’s not as personal as you make it sound. For me it’s more like- ‘oh that’s not me’. But I think it makes sense that it is more personal for you."

Forrest peeks up, lapping up the smallest bits of validation he can find.

"It does?" he asks, internally wincing at how hopefully he sounds.

Bad nods.

"Yeah, it does. Forrest, what you went through… it's a common experience to feel like your body's wrong, unnatural. Sexual assault is a violation like no other, its understandable that you feel wrong in the body when you front."

Forrest’s heart plummets.

"Right," he mumbles, rebuilding his shields, "Thanks Bad, you should go now."

"Forrest?"

"Now Bad."

Bad looks confused at his sudden bitterness, but hesitantly leaves and Forrest crashes on his bedroll, curling into himself.

What a fucking fraud he is.

It's in that exact same position, two weeks later, that Dream finds him.

"Get up," Dream demands, walking right into Forrest’s cave.

Forrest ignores him.

"Up," Dream demands, "We need to talk, and you're kinda difficult to reach. Take the front."

"What?" Forrest asks with a frown.

"Take the front. I left you a video."

"We couldn't talk here?"

"Forrest, I barely made it here. I'm not going to stay long and chances are another few weeks will pass and you won't even notice. Take the damn front."

Dream may or may not have a point. Forrest sighs and nods.

Dream immediately leaves, trailing mist behind him.

Forrest lays back on the cave floor, stares at the ceiling and closes his eyes.

He drifts, reaching for the front for quite a while before eventually grabbing onto it. It takes a long time as he comes fully into the body.

He takes a deep breath as he settles in, leaning back in the kitchen chair. Patches hops up on the table, startling him slightly.

She looks at him for a second, studying, before immediately starting to purr and headbutt him, begging for attention. Forrest lets one of his hands drop down on her and give her long soothing strokes.

"I heard Dream left me a video," he mutters.

Patches purrs more, her tail twisting behind her.

"Okay," Forrest says, and goes in search of their notebook. He finds it in one of it's many usual places- the desk in the office.

He opens it, turning to the most recent entry and tracks backwards, looking for any sort of note from Dream to him.

He finds one from a few days ago and reads as Dream explains he reached out to him in the inner world today and he left a folder on the computer titled ‘For Forrest.’

Seems simple enough and Forrest tries not to be shocked that it took him a whole three days to get to the front.

He finds the folder on their desktop, clicking it open and starting with the video as instructed. He takes a deep breath, and presses play.

"Hey," Dream says, the body's face staring back at Forrest, "I wanted to talk about the other week," Dream admits, "With Eret. I uh- I did some research," he admits, "About being nonbinary, and being nonbinary in a system. In this folder there's also some readings and shit. Clay would be proud of me, actually doing my research for once." Dream lets out a weak chuckle. Forrest doesn't move.

"But yeah. Uh, read those. I guess a video wasn't really necessary but I just…" Dream’s eyes meet the camera, staring straight at Forrest, "I want you to know Forrest-" he starts.

Forrest quickly pauses. He knows what Dream is going to say, okay? He knows Dream is going to be gentle and kind but he's going to tell Forrest that this is just another trauma symptom he needs to work on, that he needs to get over this weird fantasy. The shit he went through happened years ago. Why is it still such a big deal now?

But Forrest told Dream he'd watch the video. He doesn't want to break that promise.

He hits play.

"Forrest," Dream continues, "however you identify, now or in the future. However you express and define your gender identity… it's valid Forrest. You are valid. Your experiences are valid. If… Forrest if you realize you are nonbinary, that’s- it’s okay. We- I- accept you. We love you, we always will."

The video ends and Forrest stares blankly at the screen. He sees something drop on the keyboard, and looking down he realizes it’s a drop of water. Another drop falls on it.

The water is coming from his eyes, Forest realizes. He’s crying.

With the realization the floodgates open and tears pour down his cheeks. He pushes them aside, suddenly frantic as he closes the video and looks at the other links in the folder Dream left. There’s numerous websites, a few Forrest has seen before. He cicks them all open, finding everything he can. For the most part it’s knowledge he already knows.

But when he clicks open the last file, he’s surprised. This file, unlike the others, leads to another file instead of an article. The first thing in it says READ FIRST and so Forrest clicks on it.

It’s a document written by Dream and Forrest quickly scrolls through it. It isn’t long. All it is, is a list of trigger warnings for the final article. Forrest sees the word rape on it and holds his breath.

He’s- it is a trigger for him. But he thinks right now he can handle it, he can see it. So he clicks on the final file.

It’s a folder again.

So he keeps clicking and slowly tons of stories and articles of transgender people facing sexual assault appears. He skims most of them, not wanting to trigger himself, and as he does Forrest notes that many of the experiences align with his own. He reads about trans people who were told they weren’t trans because it was claimed to be a trauma response. He listens as queer people share their stories of being outcasted, alone, of feeling wrong exactly like Forrest.

He reads and he learns and he sees that all of these people are still trans. They are, they’re transgender.

They’re victims of assault, just like he was, and they can still be trans.

He can still be trans.

They can still be trans.

And nonbinary... nonbinary is a form of being transgender.

And that’s what Forrest is, they’re nonbinary.

Quickly, they go digging through the first drawer of the desk, where all the colored sticky notes are. Forrest notes that the stash is slowly dying down and he adds it to the shopping list on their phone. They pull out the ones that belong to them- forest green, because wasn’t Taken fucking hilarious when he picked them out- and begins to write.

‘Thanks Dream <3’ he writes on the first one.

‘I’m nonbinary. Still using the name Forrest. They/them pronouns now plz. thx.’ reads the other.

They stand and make a beeline for the kitchen, placing both on the fridge. One goes next to Ze’s sketch of a toad and the other next to Raven’s message to please buy some fucking creamer for god’s sake, coffee is gross without it.

There’s the small fear that they’re wrong, that they aren’t actually nonbinary. There’s also the fear that the rest of the system won’t believe them, or that their friends outside of the system will think they’re crazy.

But Forrest has the articles that Dream left them to fall back on. And they have Dream on their side.

Plus, this is nowhere near the hardest thing Forrest or the system has faced, they’re a team, and Forrest knows, Forrest knows that they care about them and love them.

They look back at the fridge spotting their sticky notes. They smile as their color blends in with the rest. It’s been a long time coming.

**Author's Note:**

> Your gender identity is valid. Period.


End file.
